I've been having some serious insomnia. A few days ago I stayed up until 5:40 something. I may be remembering things incorrectly, but I think the sky was starting to light up before I ever got to sleep (so I may have stayed up even later). The past few days I've been up til around 4:30 ish. I've been waking up a 9:00 am but I would keep falling back asleep for no more than an hour at a time.
I can't really say what's causing it... I'm not terribly anxious about anything except getting a job. Usually one thing isn't enough to stress me out this much but maybe this is a big thing. I guess maybe I'm also a little anxious about the future of my transition. If I can't get a job, get a car, get back in school and get a better job... my surgery will be even less likely. Even worse, I'm on a real time limit here. My ideal surgeon could retire at any moment. He's not like, super old or anything, but some surgeons retire early. He's been doing these surgeries for a while. So I guess that might be stressing me out too.
So people on the internet, who have no idea what they're talking about, keep telling me, "STOP WHINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
My friend told me about a job opening at the place she works, and I told my mom about it, and my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll get "attached" to this job and refuse to take another job. I guess she thinks that because I'd get a chance to work at a theater. What she doesn't get is that there is nothing for me to get attached to. I'd be working with set pieces and props and other theater grunt work. It wouldn't be exactly glamorous. Because my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll be reluctant to find a second job if I got this one, my one good opportunity is not an option. And before anyone says anything like, "You shouldn't use your mom as excuses" etc, I live with her and if I don't do everything she says I could end up homeless. So it's not really an excuse.
I think it's really stupid that people think because I'm not succeeding that I'm full of excuses. That's dumb. It's not black and white. It's not either you're successful or you're full of excuses. There's an in between, and that's where I am right now. I'm in that gray area that says, I'm trying but not yet succeeding. Maybe I could be doing better, and I'll work on that. But I'm not doing NOTHING. Everyone I talk to on the internet about this is under the impression that I am doing NOTHING to change my situation. They keep telling me, "If you want to be a man, man up and prove yourself," etc etc. And then they call ME transphobic. Ha.
Anyway... Guess I turned a little blog into another rant.
So a few people suggested, "Don't work for corporations, do yard work or babysitting." Okay, first of all, I live in Southern California AKA Mexico 2.0. We have a crap load of immigrants here, hundreds of them stand outside by the grocery stores everyday to get picked up to do someone's yard work. That market isn't very open, ever. As for babysitting, a family likes to know and trust their babysitter. I know ONE person with a young kid, and her young kid is less than a month old. She lives 500 miles away from where I live, and she's still breastfeeding and on the kid 24/7. In addition. I have had MANY people tell me that they don't trust boys babysitting, for various reasons. So I'd first off have to eat any pride I have and present as a girl even though I identify as male. That's something I'll probably have to deal with anyway. Thing is, I can't fool people anymore. My voice has changed enough that if I present as female, it becomes obvious that I'm transsexual, and I'm actually commonly mistaken for MTF now.
So again. People who dislike me read this and say I'm full of excuses. I think they need a little English lesson. An excuse vs. a reason:
What is the difference between a valid reason and an excuse?
One way to look at it:
A reason is an explanation. An excuse makes it sound like it was okay.
An excuse is a reason justified by dishonesty.
Excuses are a justification for giving up or giving in. You didn't explore all your options, or ignored or denied your options, you didn't plan ahead, you didn't ask for help, you didn't accept help offered. Excuses are reasons that rely on you being dishonest with others and yourself.
The ability to make an excuse relies on choice.
A valid reason restricts your choices.
TL;DR: Yes, I'm still bitter that I was banned from Blues Brothers Central, lolz.
EDIT: Hot damn, did he lose some weight? He might redeem himself from my fat jokes after all.
Dude, I just gotta get this out of my system.
I found a Ghostbusters community on here and after reading a little I realized... people still worship Dan Aykroyd. All my close friends know I went through about a 2 year long obsession with his older work... and I'm still a pretty big fan. But I find it absolutely laughable that people exist who think he's still hot, still a great actor, etc. Gather round, boys and girls, I have a story to tell you.
It all started with my Blues Brothers obsession starting sometime in 2007. I found a fansite, the infamous Blues Brothers Central. A lot of Aykroyd fans gather here, and schmooze over his, uh, so-called intense awesomeness. At first, I went there to talk about the film, and not really the actors. But, well, the older members had control over the forums so it pretty much was a, "No, I love him more," conversastion. I was just kind of baffled... I know fans get obsessed... but I never thought I was in love with the guy. I think he was a hot piece of ass when he was younger, and I also think he was somebody I could enjoy talking to, but I did not think I was interested in like, romance, lol. That sounds so stupid to me. But a lot of people do it: a lot of people have celebrity crushes. These people, however, took celebrity crushes to a whole new level.
I asked, "So uh... you guys think he's sexy, huh? Have you... er... seen him lately? Besides the fact he's old enough to be your dad, have you seen his body, and what's happened to it over the last 20 years?" Finally I went out and said it. "Dude, he's fat."
Everybody completely lost their shit. They either said he wasn't fat (Um, hello?) or some of them were like, "FAT IS HOT FAT PRIDE." It was really, really weird. Because I insisted that Dan wasn't a stud anymore, I actually ended up getting banned, because of my opinion. They even made sure to make a custom message saying, "You are banned FOREVER." Pretty much, if you don't kiss his ass, you can't be a member of that site. There is also hardly any John Belushi... wait... who is that again?
So some people act like he's the best actor on the planet. I actually think that title belongs to someone else, namely Tom Hanks, but Aykroyd fans insist. There is no doubt in my mind that Aykroyd was a great comedian in the 70's and 80's. But that was the peak of his career, and you'd have to be an idiot to not realize that his work has become less frequent and less interesting. Does that mean he's a bad guy? No. But I'm really weirded out that people worship him and think he's the best.
A lot of people say he's, like super-intelligent. I think in a lot of instances, he's psuedo-intelligent. I think he's a very creative writer, and I'll give him props as an artist, and a person who does his research when creating plots, characters, etc, but I'm not going to be convinced he's like, Stephen Hawking material. Because he ain't.
I have no problem seeing him as a smart, talented individual, and an overall cool person. I just don't get the worship attitude. I don't get how people can see him as an object of perfection. I also don't understand why so many fans pretend like they, uh, know him. He doesn't make a great deal of out-of-character appearances, so we don't get to see a whole lot of who he really is.
I've seen fandoms of many actors. I've been part of them. But no fandom is like the Aykroyd fandom. When I talk to people about Adam Sandler, they think he's funny and creative. Some of them hate his guts. But not even his most loyal fans consider him a genius. It's fair to say that Adam, at least, is still fairly good looking. So when people call Adam hot, that makes some sense to me. But when I see girls throw themselves at Dan Aykroyd's feet, I just don't understand it. 56, married, father of three, Aykroyd is not up for grabs.
I don't know why this topic sticks in my brain. It shouldn't. But apparently I'm trapped in his web, too. Just in a different way.
I guess the point of this entry is that I can't find sane people to talk about his work with. Almost every Aykroyd fan I run into is some sort of severely mentally ill. He attracts the crazies for the most part. Now, not all of us are crazy... I'm not, and I have a friend who is around Aykroyd's age and he's a fan and he isn't crazy... but I'd say the vast majority of Aykroyd fans have one or more of the following traits: