Suicidal as usual...

Wrote this to my brother:

It's long...Collapse )

So I'm actually feeling pretty suicidal again.
It doesn't help that no one in my family will really listen to me, and I can already tell that even some of my closest friends are getting tired of me talking about this stuff. They tell me I'm full of self pity and I need to "get off my ass and do something about it" but honestly, I'm not an idiot, I can solve problems pretty damn well, but this one's got me stumped. If I were to get off my ass and do something, I have no idea what I would do. My family is not willing to negotiate. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. That's kind of why I'm feeling suicidal, because at least if I kill myself I won't be in pain anymore. And the rest of my family is already devastated, it can't get much worse for them (I don't know if I really believe that, I think my suicide would actually be a real eye opener, and they'd realize my transition really wasn't so bad).

Also, as I'm sure you gathered, the insomnia is still severe.

Still awake.
The sun will be coming up soon and I'm still wide awake. I'm also finding that I am almost constantly hungry. I'm reading about these symptoms, and together they're most related to depression. Oddly enough, I'm not very depressed. Maybe a little. I've had depression much worse than this without these dramatic symptoms. I'm pretty sure these symptoms are the reflection of some sort of change in my metabolism... but what would explain that? This is all very, very strange.

Insomnia, stress, etc.

I've been having some serious insomnia. A few days ago I stayed up until 5:40 something. I may be remembering things incorrectly, but I think the sky was starting to light up before I ever got to sleep (so I may have stayed up even later). The past few days I've been up til around 4:30 ish. I've been waking up a 9:00 am but I would keep falling back asleep for no more than an hour at a time.

I can't really say what's causing it... I'm not terribly anxious about anything except getting a job. Usually one thing isn't enough to stress me out this much but maybe this is a big thing. I guess maybe I'm also a little anxious about the future of my transition. If I can't get a job, get a car, get back in school and get a better job... my surgery will be even less likely. Even worse, I'm on a real time limit here. My ideal surgeon could retire at any moment. He's not like, super old or anything, but some surgeons retire early. He's been doing these surgeries for a while. So I guess that might be stressing me out too.

So people on the internet, who have no idea what they're talking about, keep telling me, "STOP WHINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." They're stupid, because I am doing something about it. It's a slow process, waiting on employers in this economy. I'm applying to new places. And don't think I'm just sitting on my applications, either. I'm calling them checking for openings, too. Granted, I am limiting my employment to local areas. I don't have a car so I can really only work a places I can get to on foot or by bus. Some people would say that's my big mistake. Well, need need to shut up, because I'm being realistic here. I'm not going to get a job that's 40 miles away from where I live, it's not happening.

My friend told me about a job opening at the place she works, and I told my mom about it, and my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll get "attached" to this job and refuse to take another job. I guess she thinks that because I'd get a chance to work at a theater. What she doesn't get is that there is nothing for me to get attached to. I'd be working with set pieces and props and other theater grunt work. It wouldn't be exactly glamorous. Because my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll be reluctant to find a second job if I got this one, my one good opportunity is not an option. And before anyone says anything like, "You shouldn't use your mom as excuses" etc, I live with her and if I don't do everything she says I could end up homeless. So it's not really an excuse.

I think it's really stupid that people think because I'm not succeeding that I'm full of excuses. That's dumb. It's not black and white. It's not either you're successful or you're full of excuses. There's an in between, and that's where I am right now. I'm in that gray area that says, I'm trying but not yet succeeding. Maybe I could be doing better, and I'll work on that. But I'm not doing NOTHING. Everyone I talk to on the internet about this is under the impression that I am doing NOTHING to change my situation. They keep telling me, "If you want to be a man, man up and prove yourself," etc etc. And then they call ME transphobic. Ha.

Anyway... Guess I turned a little blog into another rant.

So a few people suggested, "Don't work for corporations, do yard work or babysitting." Okay, first of all, I live in Southern California AKA Mexico 2.0. We have a crap load of immigrants here, hundreds of them stand outside by the grocery stores everyday to get picked up to do someone's yard work. That market isn't very open, ever. As for babysitting, a family likes to know and trust their babysitter. I know ONE person with a young kid, and her young kid is less than a month old. She lives 500 miles away from where I live, and she's still breastfeeding and on the kid 24/7. In addition. I have had MANY people tell me that they don't trust boys babysitting, for various reasons. So I'd first off have to eat any pride I have and present as a girl even though I identify as male. That's something I'll probably have to deal with anyway. Thing is, I can't fool people anymore. My voice has changed enough that if I present as female, it becomes obvious that I'm transsexual, and I'm actually commonly mistaken for MTF now.

So again. People who dislike me read this and say I'm full of excuses. I think they need a little English lesson. An excuse vs. a reason:

What is the difference between a valid reason and an excuse?

One way to look at it:
A reason is an explanation. An excuse makes it sound like it was okay.

Another way:
An excuse is a reason justified by dishonesty.

Excuses are a justification for giving up or giving in. You didn't explore all your options, or ignored or denied your options, you didn't plan ahead, you didn't ask for help, you didn't accept help offered. Excuses are reasons that rely on you being dishonest with others and yourself.

The ability to make an excuse relies on choice.
A valid reason restricts your choices.


So people say I haven't looked at all my options, and I've given up, and therefore making excuses. WRONG. I am continually finding new options. There is no way for me to instantaneously know every option I have. My search looks something like this: I have several options. I try them. At that point, I have run out of options, so I FIND MORE OPTIONS. That place where I run out of options, before I find more options, is a slight pause. It isn't a dead end, it isn't me giving up on life. Right now, I'm between breaths. I am within that pause. I am looking for more options.

A lot of people supposedly give me options, and then say I'm making up excuses when I don't try them. Thing is, their options are almost always very specific. Often, those very specific options do not fit into my current situation. They say I should change the situation. Although it is PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE for me to change my situation, it wouldn't be very smart. The number one piece of advice I get is to move out of my mom's house. Here's the thing: It's stay with my mom or end up homeless in Little Tijuana. In Northern California, being homeless might have been an option. Here, you can guarantee I would get mugged and/or raped. And no, it's not racist. I live in a pretty dangerous area to be homeless and it has nothing to do with Mexicans. It has everything to do with the fact we're low on cops and high on criminals.

They say I don't have to be homeless. First they suggest couch surfing. I've already asked around. No one is willing to let me couch surf. Their reasons usually are because I'm a guy or because I'm transsexual (they don't say those words, but they say something like, "it's your lifestyle" or "you've changed"). I had places to couch surf in Northern California, and it might have been smarter to choose that option. I'd probably have a job right now if I decided to stay up there. I won't make up excuses, I think it's very possible that I may have made a mistake coming down here. Because now I'm stuck.

Again, I am not giving up or making up excuses. I am stuck, I said, but I never implied that's permanent. I'm temporarily stuck until conditions change. It could be the weather. The economy. Or even my own attitude. Who knows what thing might change that will make this easier. People say I shouldn't sit around and wait for change, that I should change things myself. Well, I'm doing what I can. I can't make the economy better and I can't make people hire me. I can only try these things. I get really irritated when people make it sound like, "IF YOU BELIEVE, ANYTHING CAN COME TRUE AND YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN." Bullshit. That's complete and utter bullshit, and they know it.

Or maybe they don't. Some of these people have easy lives, and credit themselves for it, not realizing that they've just been really, really lucky. Also, they might have advantages that I don't have. For instance, a vast majority of the population has physical advantages over me. I'm small and short, and not particularly attractive. At the moment I am very androgynous. It's hard to pass off as a girl or as a guy my age. Is this an excuse? No, it's a factor involved in my situation. It's not explaining anything. It's merely a piece of the puzzle. And if I ignore this piece, or any other piece, my chances of succeeding are less. Acknowledging your challenges isn't making up excuses.

I thought ranting and raving would make me tired but it didn't work (yep, that was the point of this post). God damn it.

Let's talk Aykroyd

TL;DR: Yes, I'm still bitter that I was banned from Blues Brothers Central, lolz.
EDIT: Hot damn, did he lose some weight? He might redeem himself from my fat jokes after all.

Dude, I just gotta get this out of my system.

I found a Ghostbusters community on here and after reading a little I realized... people still worship Dan Aykroyd. All my close friends know I went through about a 2 year long obsession with his older work... and I'm still a pretty big fan. But I find it absolutely laughable that people exist who think he's still hot, still a great actor, etc. Gather round, boys and girls, I have a story to tell you.

It all started with my Blues Brothers obsession starting sometime in 2007. I found a fansite, the infamous Blues Brothers Central. A lot of Aykroyd fans gather here, and schmooze over his, uh, so-called intense awesomeness. At first, I went there to talk about the film, and not really the actors. But, well, the older members had control over the forums so it pretty much was a, "No, I love him more," conversastion. I was just kind of baffled... I know fans get obsessed... but I never thought I was in love with the guy. I think he was a hot piece of ass when he was younger, and I also think he was somebody I could enjoy talking to, but I did not think I was interested in like, romance, lol. That sounds so stupid to me. But a lot of people do it: a lot of people have celebrity crushes. These people, however, took celebrity crushes to a whole new level.

I asked, "So uh... you guys think he's sexy, huh? Have you... er... seen him lately? Besides the fact he's old enough to be your dad, have you seen his body, and what's happened to it over the last 20 years?" Finally I went out and said it. "Dude, he's fat."

Everybody completely lost their shit. They either said he wasn't fat (Um, hello?) or some of them were like, "FAT IS HOT FAT PRIDE." It was really, really weird. Because I insisted that Dan wasn't a stud anymore, I actually ended up getting banned, because of my opinion. They even made sure to make a custom message saying, "You are banned FOREVER." Pretty much, if you don't kiss his ass, you can't be a member of that site. There is also hardly any John Belushi... wait... who is that again?

So some people act like he's the best actor on the planet. I actually think that title belongs to someone else, namely Tom Hanks, but Aykroyd fans insist. There is no doubt in my mind that Aykroyd was a great comedian in the 70's and 80's. But that was the peak of his career, and you'd have to be an idiot to not realize that his work has become less frequent and less interesting. Does that mean he's a bad guy? No. But I'm really weirded out that people worship him and think he's the best.

A lot of people say he's, like super-intelligent. I think in a lot of instances, he's psuedo-intelligent. I think he's a very creative writer, and I'll give him props as an artist, and a person who does his research when creating plots, characters, etc, but I'm not going to be convinced he's like, Stephen Hawking material. Because he ain't. 
I have no problem seeing him as a smart, talented individual, and an overall cool person. I just don't get the worship attitude. I don't get how people can see him as an object of perfection. I also don't understand why so many fans pretend like they, uh, know him. He doesn't make a great deal of out-of-character appearances, so we don't get to see a whole lot of who he really is.

I've seen fandoms of many actors. I've been part of them. But no fandom is like the Aykroyd fandom. When I talk to people about Adam Sandler, they think he's funny and creative. Some of them hate his guts. But not even his most loyal fans consider him a genius. It's fair to say that Adam, at least, is still fairly good looking. So when people call Adam hot, that makes some sense to me. But when I see girls throw themselves at Dan Aykroyd's feet, I just don't understand it. 56, married, father of three, Aykroyd is not up for grabs.

I don't know why this topic sticks in my brain. It shouldn't. But apparently I'm trapped in his web, too. Just in a different way.

I guess the point of this entry is that I can't find sane people to talk about his work with. Almost every Aykroyd fan I run into is some sort of severely mentally ill. He attracts the crazies for the most part. Now, not all of us are crazy... I'm not, and I have a friend who is around Aykroyd's age and he's a fan and he isn't crazy... but I'd say the vast majority of Aykroyd fans have one or more of the following traits:


  1. They worship him. They think he's like, the sexiest thing with two legs. They think he's a genius and that he is like, the best actor ever.
  2. The think they're the next Aykroyd. They try really, really hard to become him. This does not include impersonations, which is honest fun. I'm talking about people who live and breathe Aykroyd. Oddly enough, most of the people who are trying to become him are girls.
  3. They're madly, madly, madly in love with him (or at least think they are) and viciously attack anyone who doesn't feel the same way.
  4. They don't think he's fat. At all. And they don't think he's ever had a big butt (which he always has, you'd have to be blind not to notice).
  5. They like ALL of his films, including the really bad ones like Earth vs. the Spider (and yes, I did watch it, and yes, it was terrible).
I could list more, but... I'm tired to thinking about those scary people.

Some people have accused me of a few of these things... I think I did go through a small phase where I wanted to be a lot like him; an actor, comedian, writer, etc... but I didn't want to be HIM specifically. In fact, I was much more interested in a Steve Martin style kind of comedy, and I was actually much better at comedy similar to Belushi's work (obnoxious, physical, loud, etc). I don't make a good straight man comedian mostly because I don't have the body for it. I have a small, funny looking body so I am better suited for physical comedy, something Dan like, totally sucks at (as far as I know, I could be wrong! Haven't seen Doctor Detroit yet).

So, I can't remember when, but uh, sometime within the last year Aykroyd visited really close to my hometown to promote his new bizarre beverage. My best friend of 12 years like, got to meet him. Lolz. She got him to sign a copy of Trading Places for me. I of course was thrilled, because she got him to sign a cheesy film he did, rather than an epic one. Not only that, but it happened to be one of his unusual films; this one he got to work with Eddie Murphy, and I think they did fairly well together.

Funny thing is, the day my friend gave me the DVD, our family car was stolen. And the DVD was in the car. Fortunately, that night we got the car back, unharmed. They did, however, manage to steal the stereo and a $500 drill from the trunk. They left my autographed DVD, though. Guess Aykroyd's signature isn't terribly valuable in today's market, lolz. Also guess Trading Places isn't a movie worth stealing, either.

Hmmm... I guess I can honestly say I am sort of on a quest to understand why Aykroyd fans are usually so weird, so crazy, so obsessed, and so in denial. At least Twilight fans like, think a young guy is hot. Although I don't understand what's so great about him, either. *shrug* Unfortunately, my quest to understand the Aykroyd obsession has probably ended because I can't tap into the world's largest source of Aykroyd douche-baggery, Blues Brothers Central.

I Quit.
I have found, through two communities, that the internet is not a safe place to find support, nor is it a smart place to look for intelligence. While there are a few smart people here and there, the vast majority of the internet appears to be made up of insecure, mentally ill individuals who are severely socially starved. I've come to realize that for a lot of these people, going on the internet if the big part of their day. They don't contribute to anything larger or do anything better with their lives. Meanwhile, they nitpick on others and accuse them of doing exactly the same; in other words, they are projecting themselves on others because of their low self-esteems.

I am not going to try to network with the transgender community on the internet any longer. I've made a very clear distinction. The people on the internet argue with me, start crap with me, insult me, etc, while people I meet in person respect me, even when they disagree. I am finding two major factors apply here: 1. People on the internet have no balls. They say things online that they would never say in person. 2. Some people on the internet use the internet as their primary means of socialization. They have a problem, an addiction, and several mental illnesses.

I am finding that people I meet in person have their shit much more together. They have lives. They don't spend their time arguing with strangers over nothing. People I meet on the internet are usually outrageously aggressive, and have serious ego issues. This is why I've decided that I will no longer interact with transsexuals on the internet. I find that transgender forums have more bitching and arguing on them than any other kind of forum I have seen in 10 years. I get called transphobic when I say this, but I believe that this bitching and arguing has an explanation; transsexuals, when grouped together, are more bitchy than any other group. That is my observation. I also have theories as to why this is the case. I get called all sorts of nasty names when I talk about these theories. One such theory is that I have observed many transsexuals have very low self-esteems. Having a low self-esteem can make a person fairly aggressive, vain, egotistical, narcissistic, etc. Trangender people have a lot of valid reasons to have low self-esteems. So I think it is very likely that a lot of the cat fights going on in these groups has a lot to do with people not following through with their therapy properly.

Therapy is required in order to transition. 3 months of it. That isn't nearly enough, and a lot of transsexuals stop once they've reached the minimum. There's a reason why therapy is recommended. Most of these people are in desperate need of it. The 3 months, in most cases, is too lenient. In some cases, it's too much. This is why I think standards should be made on a case-by-case basis. But I digress: a lot of these people have many unsolved psychological issues. They take it out on others, often projecting. I had people telling me that I was the one who needed therapy and that I was the one with ego issues. While I do know I have some ego issues (we all do), and I also know I could benefit from more therapy, I am fairly certain that they are not as stable as they think they are. After all, all of the arguments that took place within these groups were not started by me, but by other members, who approached me with hosilitiy. I do not deny for one second that after the first 3 or 4 times I was approached with hostility that I started to fight back, and took a passive-aggressive approach in responding to these individuals, eventually leading to downright cussing them out. But I was provoked first. That does not for one second excuse my behavior, but it does explain the reality of the situation: they attacked me first, unprovoked.

If you are not the kind of person who bends over backwards when someone tells you they don't like something, if you are the kind of person who stands your ground when you believe something, if you are the kind of person who says what you mean and mean what you say, exactly what you say, then these groups are not for you. They have a way of twisting your words, misinterpreting them, sticking with their misrepresentation and then demanding you publicly apologize and eat your words, and if you haven't completely shoved your fist up your own ass, they remain unsatisfied and will never let you forget it, even if you end up figuratively fisting yourself later. Because you didn't do what they exactly wanted you to do at exactly the moment they asked for it, you're fucked for life. There is no redeeming your reputation from this small mistake. Also, even if you do the "right thing," (exactly what they want you to do), they remain unsatisfied. This brings to question if they really ever wanted anything from you in the first place, and that they'd much rather continue arguing with you now that they're unhappy, despite the fact that you have done everything in your power to correct your innocent mistake. In other words, these people are very stubborn and even if they're wrong, they're right.

I highly recommend only socializing with transsexuals in person. That way, if they start shit, you can knock their teeth out. Chances are more likely, however, that they won't start shit. People tend to have tact in person, at least enough so that if you make a mistake, they'll politely correct you and give you a chance to redeem yourself, instead of losing their minds and throwing massive temper tantrums.

I have been accused of being transphobic because I used three words: "hermaphrodite," "he-she," and "normal." I do not think using a word makes someone transphobic, but how they use it, the context in which the word is used, and the intention of using that word. But it might be safe to say after the experiences I've had with these morons, if I wasn't transphobic yesterday I definitely am now. Transphobic in terms of talking to tranny morons on the internet. If hating a transsexual because they're a moron makes me transphobic, if thinking a transsexual throwing a massive tantrum because I used a certain word is stupid makes me transphobic, if disagreeing with a transsexual who poses a completely irrational argument makes me transphobic, I am the biggest, nastiest bigot who ever lived. I make Hitler look like a real pussy.

I have never had problems with transsexuals in person. Maybe I'm a really good actor. Maybe I'm really good at hiding my deep-seeded hatred for transsexuals. It only makes sense that I'd be transphobic, because I clearly hate myself so much.

Anyone else realize how stupid those accusations sound? It's because they truly are stupid, invalid, and completely untrue. I am not transphobic unless the defintion of transphobia has drastically changed. Last I was aware, transphobia refers to either people who are afriad of transsexuals (I'm not) or people who hate transsexuals (I don't hate them because they're trans, but I do hate many transsexuals because of their behavior).

I find that my annoyance with transsexuals isn't accross the board. I tend to most often have trouble with young female-to-male transsexuals who are pre-op. Usually the guys who just recently got on hormones and are totally hot-headed and full of themselves. I find that older FTMs, and most MTFs regardless of their age or point in transition, are far more respectful and easier to talk to. I find that the only transsexuals who start shit with me are the young FTMs. I have run into a couple of so-called MTFs who act very much like egotistical teenage boys.

I am starting to find that a lot of my community is really nasty, and I'm ashamed to be a part of it. It's no wonder we have a hard time reaching equal rights. Our notorious reputation as a community is not entirely innaccurate. While there are many decent, caring, respectable, intelligent transsexuals, the majority of us need a lot of work. The majority of transsexuals I meet on the internet have nasty attitudes and a serious lack of self-discipline. Oddly enough, the transsexuals I meet in person tend to be the complete opposite of the transsexuals I meet online. I have run into one self-righteous transsexual in person, and even he can come around and say, "You know, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." Even he doesn't intentionally start shit with people. He just has no tact.

So that's it. I know what the internet trannies would say. They'd say I'm making blanket statements and that everybody's different and that I'm transphobic and that I have no right to judge them and that I'm stupid and that I whine too much and that I'm the one with the ego problem and that I'm the one who needs therapy and that I'm the one who's wrong, bad, and evil. And then they'd also say, that I'd say, "WRY R U GUYS SOOOO MEAN." Because they like to troll, too.

Frankly, I have completely lost respect for transsexuals on the internet, and it is their responsibility to prove that they deserve to be respected.

I have never liked the notion that "respect is earned." I believe everyone deserves respect, as long as possible, to the best of my ability, even after they have disrespected me. Disrespecting them back doesn't solve anything. But now I make an exception. I will not respect the opinions of people who flame me. I will not listen to them. If you somehow prove (or have already shown, you know who you are) that you are not a total dipshit, I will treat you like everybody else.

I know they're happy that I'm gone. I know they're celebrating and throwing a party. Well, so am I. I am so glad I don't have to deal with their idiocy anymore. Usually I'd say, "If it looks like everybody else is the problem, you should look at yourself," but in this case, I know I'm not the problem.

A Bitter Pill to Swallow?
If you could get your exercise by taking a pill, would you? Why or why not?
No, because that's completely idiotic and doesn't make sense.

Scratch that. If this is a question for fat people who are trying to lose weight, it is possible that perhaps a pill could be designed to have an effect on a person's metabolism, assisting their abilities to burn calories and fat... that might make a little sense. But since I am not one of those people, my answer is still no. I am underweight (not significantly, but I am thin).

If there is a pill that would increase my muscle mass, I might consider taking it, but not to the exclusion of exercise. So my answer, technically, is still no. I would not take such a pill as a means to "get my exercise."

The Right to Privacy
Should some parts of celebrities' lives be off-limits to the public, or is giving up privacy a fair price for being famous?
Absolutely. I think how much privacy a celebrity has is something they do have some control over. The fact that some of them are stalked definitely bothers me, but some of them are asking for it. I believe Britney Spears is constantly starving for attention, which is why she sometimes pulls off ridiculous stunts. She's the kind of famous person who will be surrounded by paparazzi on her way to the grocery store. There's other famous people, who can still be extraordinarily famous, but still manage to walk through life without being constantly bombarded by the media. These are the people who choose to do their jobs without creating a great amount of outside drama.

I've thought for many years I'd like to be an actor, which, when you are an extraordinarily successful one, tends to lead to fame. I would give up the career I love for some peace, if my life were to become an international reality TV show. I think the people who feed the paparazzi are the ones who are going to have the hardest time finding privacy. I don't believe being an actor and doing the job you love suddenly makes you public property.

Proven by Science
Sorry I keep doing these, but this was a good one!!

Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?
Very important question indeed! The answer completely depends on the question's context. Does everything in the observable universe, somehow, make scientific sense? It might. Can we, as a species, explain and understand everything about the universe? I don't think that will ever be possible.

Then there's the unobservable universe. Things like God. I don't think God will ever have a scienfic explanation. I don't think we can ever prove that a God may or may not exist. I don't think supernatural experiences like ghosts or angels will ever be something we can prove. I don't think we can ever prove that something doesn't exist somewhere in the universe. Though our universe is finite, it is constantly changing. When we look at the sky, we are looking billions of years into the past, because light takes time to travel. Of course, when we look at the sky, we do see it in the present-- present time on Earth. I think in order to explain a lot of things about the universe we need to have a decent understanding of how time really works.

The universe, as we know it, is ever expanding. Since the Big Bang, that is all it has been doing. It has been getting larger and colder. Scientists have several theories of what the future of the universe might look like: either it will continue to expand, stop expanding, or at some point it will begin to contract. This is a perfect example of what many scientific issues look like today; we have options and theories, but no clear cut answer.

With the more widespread acceptance of quantum physics, we are learning that things are less solid than we once thought. That objects can exist in multiple places at once, in multiple forms. That while matter comes in many forms, the rudimentary particles that makes up every substance of the universe are exactly the same. I think as we get closer to understanding the infinitely small, the closer we also get to understanding the finitely large.

I think the most important thing to remember is that we, as organisms, are living machines. Machines effect their environment, even by simply observing them. This means that we can never know if when that tree fell and nobody was there to hear it, if it really did make a sound. Of course common sense tells us that it did fall and that it did make a sound, but there always is the question; if no one is present to observe an event, can we even conceivably state that it even existed? Until fairly recently in astronomical history, we had never seen the "back" of the moon. Before it was shrouded in mystery. Can we say the back of the moon, before we had seen it, existed? Common sense says that it did. But in all truth, there is no way to prove that.

Science thrives on proof. And yet we cannot prove some of the most basic concepts of our known universe. I think we have a long way to go before we can proclaim we understand the basic function of existence.

Memo to Myself
Another Writer's Block... this one was too valuable to pass up.

If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to your younger self?
Alright. There's a few ways I can approach this.

I could choose to travel back to my toddler years, and tell my young self that it would be an extraordinarily good idea to follow my initial gut feeling, and run with it. I really can't say how young I was when I first felt my masculine gender identity, but if it was at a young age, I didn't really show it very strongly. I only showed it strong enough to be considered a "tomboy." If I had been more pesistant, perhaps my parents would have noted me as "gender confused" and would have believed me when I came out as transsexual.

If that isn't an option, I'd travel back to around 7th grade. I would tell myself, "Forget about that boy, you're actually suppressing your tendency to like girls. He isn't going to like you anyway; he's a jock and an idiot. Furthermore, don't put yourself through the misery of competing with this girl. She is always going to look like a porn star, and you are always going to look like a boy. Accept it already. While you're at it, try to do better in school. You're really going to want that scholarship when you graduate. Also: COME OUT NOW. The sooner you tell your mom you want a penis, the more likely she'll believe you. As you get older and have the ability to make your own decisions rationally, people are more likely to doubt you coming out as transsexual. I know you don't quite understand your feelings yet, but you need to stop fantasizing in your bedroom pretending you have a penis and seriously get off your butt and tell somebody about it already. Also, you're not a lesbian. Oh, and don't talk to your brother about your leg weakness. If you do, he'll never let it go and claim that you said you had multiple schlerosis. And like I said, he will NEVER let it go. Also, because the events in your life will have changed, make sure to remember the name POSITIVE IMAGES and seek a Jim Foster and Colin Close. Those two will really help you out."

If I'm not allowed to be that specific or have that much time, I'll give the short, simple advice that I think would have helped me the most: "You need to be completely honest about your sexuality and gender identity as soon as possible. The sooner the better because the sooner you say something the more likely people are going to believe you didn't just make it up."

That's been my biggest struggle. I came out as transsexual at 18 years old. My parents thought I was trying to make a "statement."

The Most Drama I've Seen In 2 Months!

Alright... All I can say is: Holy. Shit.

I went through a lot of drama today... mostly my own doing. See, I've had this friend for a long time, 12 years approximately, and today I found her Live Journal. On it, I read some things that I didn't know about... things that I thought, "Shouldn't a best friend know this stuff?" I felt cheated and lied to, so I freaked out and messaged her. I told her how upset I was, but I also practically begged her to still be friends with me. I was worried that finding out about this stuff would threaten our friendship somehow. I waited for something like 6 hours for her response... I didn't sit around waiting for it or anything, I did other things, but the whole time I had this anxious feeling in the back of my mind... what if she got mad? Dude. I was getting that tingling feeling everywhere. And it wasn't the good kind.

Well, she messaged me back. She appologized like crazy. She told me she didn't tell me that stuff because she was scared. I felt so bad. I got all mad at her like she did it all on purpose. So of course I feel kind of dumb for reacting the way I did... I should have sat down and thought about it first... Thankfully, she is used to my outbursts, so she didn't react badly. I am so relieved.

I haven't been this scared since my ex dumped me!

Hmm... why don't I talk about that? Yeah, I'll tell the getting-dumped story.

So I would say about 5 months ago I started working at a retreat center. There I met this great guy named Thaddeus. We instantly had an amazing connection, and spent hours mostly talking about philosophy, and things that we saw beautiful in nature (the retreat center was in the mountains, miles away from town, so I was consumed by the wildlife there). I was practically swept off my feet: I had never felt this connected to someone before. It only took a couple of weeks for me to start having a huge crush on him. Of course, I felt hesitant. As a transman, I felt like my masculinity was in question. I also never had been in a relationship before, and because I lacked confidence, I was sure things with him wouldn't work out.

Well, it turns out we were both passionately experiencing puppy love. He eventually could contain himself no longer and told me how he felt. I told him I felt the same. I regularly expressed my disbelief... I couldn't believe someone would ever like me. So we hit it off. We tried to take it slow, but that didn't really work out... we ended up having sex pretty early in the relationship. It was literally a matter of days. We'd only known each other for a couple of weeks. That was my first mistake... haha.

Sexual situations were weird. Most transmen absolutely refuse to have their genitals touched, because of their gender dysphoria. I didn't really have that problem. Generally, meaning, when I'm not horny, I hate my genitals and my breasts, but once I'm horny, those feelings, while still there, matter a lot less. Of course he knew I was a transman and he found it unusual that I was so into sex. Well, our first experience was mutual masturbation. It was the first time he'd tried it and it was my first sexual experience with another person, period. He'd had I think 5 partners before me, all girls. Thaddeus really didn't like labels; he was best described as bisexual, and eventually adopted the term pansexual, but still avoided labels as much as possible.

I was kind of surprised by how much I craved sexual activity. I had recently increased my testosterone dose, but I honestly was wanting it like 3 times a day. Thaddeus was really the opposite, and was rarely horny. This was the first thing that made it clear we wouldn't work well together... he felt pressured into doing things with me, and because I was hornier than shit, I wasn't really able to process that. I only realized his struggle after we broke up.

Well, a few days passed and Thaddeus had news for me. He wasn't a "he" at all. I'd never expected I would date a guy, because I thought I'd be so envious of his penis that I would fall into self-loathing. I also felt like no "normal" guy would be into me, because I'm transgender. Well, Thaddeus cleared that up by coming out to me as transgender himself. From that moment forward, Thaddeus was Lynn, and she was my girlfriend.

I was excited to have a girlfriend! That definitely explained a lot of things about her... how she acted, her interests, and what I read as very feminine energy. This excitement, however, did not last long. Lynn became more concerned about her appearance, and now that she had put things on the table, her gender dysphoria was a lot more obvious. We had only had "real" penetrative sex 3 times I think, and 2/3 of the time she ended up crying afterwards. It was really weird and I didn't know how to help her. She couldn't really explain what made her so sad. So of course we stopped that for her sake. I also noticed that I had a somewhat similar feeling, long afterwards. It took a long time for it to hit me because I, even after long sessions of sexual activity, would still be horny. At a point it became frustrating because I couldn't make the feeling go away. Most people can whack off and relieve themselves. I felt like there wasn't an off switch.

It was increasingly difficult. I found that on my days off I was relieving myself 5 times a day, and still not actually feeling relief. Masturbating would really only temporarily solve the problem. Lynn grew more concerned. She felt like the whole relationship had become about sex for me. It was weird. I wasn't like this BEFORE we had sex. I just don't get it. It's like some sort of chemical switch went off in my brain. I wanted to deny that it was all about the sex, but I couldn't really prove that. We'd either talk about sex or her transition.

That lead to the next problem. When I first met her, she was very into holistic medicine and spirituality. After she came out, she would rarely talk about her former passions. Everything became about looking feminine, talking feminine, walking feminine... it reached a point where she started taking supplements and kept asking me if her boobs were getting bigger. I was irritated by it, but I just changed my perspective... I tried to take on the role of a doctor or scientist, carefully watching over her progress. When I depersonalized it and made it more distant, it was easier to handle. But I then realized that I was distancing myself from her... my girlfriend. Things definitely were not going well at this point.

We had a night out with Martin, our boss and good friend. Towards the end of our outing, Lynn started hanging out with another transgirl, Shea. I knew they had a "history"... a short history, but a history nonetheless. Shea was the first male-bodied person Lynn had sexual experiences with. So when they started talking to each other in private, telling me to excuse myself from their presence, I got really upset. I figured Shea still had a thing for my girlfriend. Well, their talk ended, and we got in the car to go home. On the way home, Lynn had a meltdown. She was crying, upset, and wouldn't tell us what was wrong. Then she suddenly exploded with anger, and told me it was over. She was dumping me.

I immediately understood all of those stupid sad love songs you hear on the radio (especially country, yuck!). I felt absolutely crushed. I felt a sinking feeling I had never felt before. Like she'd literally ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Of course that feeling got even worse when she tried to explain to me WHY she dumped me afterwards... Because I valued her friendship, and still liked her as a person, I asked her not to explain it to me. I felt like we'd both be better off if she didn't try to explain it, because every time she did we'd just start arguing, and I'd keep trying to explain myself instead of hearing her.

My emotional state drastically deteriorated. I started cutting in private... like, between work shifts. Horrible, I know. But I would like, take 15 minute breaks to go cut myself in the bathroom. I'd bandage myself back up and get back to work. My boss noticed a decline in my work performance... I think some of that had to do with the cutting but most of it was my emotional state... I had really lost hope. My boss had run out of options, and soon came to me with bad news. The company had too many employees and not enough work to get done amongst us, so my other boss, Tim (yeah, I had TWO bosses!) had to lay me off. He was VERY cool about it. He had every reason to fire me, but he didn't. I think that proves not only that Tim is a nice guy but that he actually cares about my future.

After getting laid off I had to move to Southern California back with the family I grew up with. This was extraordinarily hard because they see me as a girl, call me my old name and female pronouns... It's really hard on me and my emotional state is still in really bad shape. Fortunately, I haven't cut for about a month. I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Despite the bad break up, Lynn and I have remained in contact and friendly. We talk to each other on Facebook every couple weeks... Mostly hellos, how ya doins, and blah blah blah this is what I did this weeks. But it's nice to know we're not like, enemies, like some exes are. Even though I am no longer in love with Lynn, I still love her like family and really care about her.

I'm hoping the next relationship will be better. I learned a lot... and I've learned that I really need to keep my sex drive in check. I'll make another entry about that some time, because it is something I think is worth talking about, given the severity.


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